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Here you'll find some jokes and lyrics.

Little Johnny tried out for the school play. The teacher gave him these lines to practice:
 
"Hark! A pistol shot! There lies a lady with hope in her soul. I think I'll snatch a kiss and run into the forest. By William Shakespeare."
 
Little Johnny practiced and practiced and did the lines perfectly every time. The night of the play it was his turn to speak. This is what he said:

"Hark! A pigeon shit! There lies a lady with soap in her hole. I think I'll kiss her ass and run into the forest. By William Snakeshit... Horseshit... Oh, shit! I didn't want to be in this damn play anyway!"

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?" "No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?" He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned." The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

*K Ci and Jojo-All my life*
 
Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby
Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby
Baby, Ooh, I'm so glad

I will never find another lover
Sweeter than you, sweeter than you
And I will never find another lover
More precious than you
More precious than you

Girl you are
Close to me, you're like my mother
Close to me, you're like my father
Close to me, you're like my sister
Close to me, you're like my brother
You are the only one, you're my everything
And for you this song I sing, and

All my life
I prayed for someone like you
And I thank God that I
That I finally found you, baby

All my life
I prayed for someone like you
And I hope that you
Feel the same way too
Yes, I pray that you do love me too

I said, you're all that I'm thinking of, baby
Said I promise to never
Fall in love with a stranger
You're all I'm thinking of
I praise the Lord above
For sending me your love
I cherish every hug
I really love you so much, baby, baby, baby

Repeat

You're all that I ever know
When you smile on my face
All I see is a glow
You turn my life around
You picked me up when I was down

You're all that I ever know
When you smile my face glows
You picked me up when I was down

You're all that I ever know
When you smile my face glows
You picked me up when I was down

And I hope that you
Feel the same way too
Yes I pray that you
Do love me too

All my life
I prayed for someone like you
And I thank God that I
That I finally found you, baby

All my life
I prayed for someone like you
Yes, I pray that you do love me too

Repeat until fade

*Eminem-Ass Like That*
 
The way you shake it, I can't believe it
I ain't never seen an ass like that
The way you move it, you make my slinky go
Doing, doing, doing

I don't believe it, it's almost too good to be true
I ain't never seen an ass like that
The way you move it, you make my slinky go
Doing, doing, doing

The way she moves she's like a belly dancer
She's shaking that ass to that new nelly jam, I
Think someones at the door
But I don't think I'm gonna answer
Police saying "freeze"
Doing, doing, doing
What do you mean freeze?
Please, I'm a human being, I have needs
I'm not done, not till I'm finish peeing
I am not resisting arrest, I am agreeing Mr. Officer
I'm already on my knees
I can't get on the ground any further, it's impossible for me
And do not treat me like a murderer, I just like to pee, pee, pee
Yes, I make r&b, I sing song it go
Ring-a-chong, a-ching-chong-chong-chong-ching
Psych, I joke, I joke, I kidd, I kidd
If I offend I'm sorry, please, please forgive
For I am Triumph, the puppet dog, I am a mere puppet
I can get away with anything I sing, you will love it

[Chorus]

Jessica Simpson, looks oh so temptin'
Nick I ain't never seen an ass like that
Everytime I see that show on MTV my slinky goes
Doing, doing, doing

Mary-Kate and Ashley used to be so wholesome
Now they're getting older, they're starting to grow bum bums
I go to the movies and sit down with my pop corn
Police saying "freeze"
Doing doing doing
What do you mean freeze?
Geez, I just got my seat
I have ticket, look, I put away my zipper zipped
Please do not remove me from this movie theater please
I did not even get to see Mary-Kate shower scene
I didn't mean to be obscene or make a great big scene
And don't treat me like I'm pee wee herman, this movies PG
Mr. Officer, I demand to see my attorney
I will simply plead innocent, cop a plea and be free
Free, yes, free, right back on the streets
What you mean my lawyer's with Michael, he's too busy?
I am Triumph, Britney Spears has shoulders like a man
And I can say that and you'll laugh cuz that is a puppet on my hand

[Chorus]

Hilary Duff is not quite old enough so
I ain't never seen a butt like that
Maybe next year I'll say ass and she'll make my slinky go
Doing, doing, doing

The way she moves she dances like a go-go
In that video she sings get out your bozo
I need a new boyfriend, hi my name is JoJo
Police saying "freeze"
Doing, doing, doing
What do you mean freeze?
My computers would be seized and my keys to my ranch
I just baked cookies Mr. Officer, looky, take a whiff of these
Here, I make Jesus juice, take a sip of this
Nobody is safe from me, no not even me
I don't even know if I can say the word pee pee, pee
On the radio, but I think I did
Janet, is that a breast, I think I just saw a tit
Psych, I joke, I joke, I kidd, I kidd
I don't think my joke is working, I must flee quick
Get to the chopper, everybody get out
I am not Triumph, I am Arnold, get down

[Chorus]

So Gwen Stefani, will you pee pee on me please?
I ain't never seen an ass like that
Cuz the way you move it, you make my slinky go
Doing, doing, doing

Fuck is wrong with you? (ha!)

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A few Jokes:
1) Why don't seagulls fly over the bay?
   a)Because then they'd be bagels
2) Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
    a)they have cotton balls
3) What do u call a person who can sit on icecream and tell the flavor?
    a) A Smartass
4) What did the ancient Egyptian man say to the ancient Egyptian woman?
   a) "Come behind the pyramid and I'll make you a mummy!"